Covid-19 has really amplified any cracks that may have already been showing up in relationships, but why when spending more time together in lock down situations have those cracks grown bigger, and more relationships are falling apart?
Why is it that more time together with less distraction was not leading to improved connection and giving relationships a much needed boost and focus?
It's been interesting, in the last month i've noticed more and more couples really feeling the impacts of forced closeness. Which got me thinking about why was that so difficult?
Once client mentioned to me, that their partner was such a disappointment she felt like she just didn't know him anymore, and what she was seeing she was not liking. So it got me thinking about why this might be happening in the first place without putting all the blame on forced closeness of Covid-19 - what was happening before Covid-19 hit that then made the problem unavoidable?
We want to contemplate the idea of understanding someone beyond that which we have perceived - intimacy is moving beyond your idea, concept or story of your partner and taking that step to walk by their side as they go deeper into learning who they are you go with them on that journey.
People are always going to be in the shift, and we can get locked in our concepts of who we think that person is or who we want that person to be to feel safe. Your partner feels this resistance in you and influences their ability to keep showing up as they don’t feel understood or accepted.This key principle is moving beyond your projection of who your partner is.
We can do this by questioning:
Who are we now? Have our values changes? What are my needs? Who am I? Who are you? Are we still the people we were when we met? You would have changed a lot and some people are stuck in their story of who you were or who their partner was and didn’t adapt and shift along the way to keep getting to know their partner layer by layer.
In every relationship there are three relationships, the one you have with yourself, your partner and the relationship itself. After some years the relationship itself takes over the individuals, and your preconceived idea of the relationship is blocking you from keeping invested to always be learning about your partner as an individual. Not the husband or wife, not the mother or father, not the executive, or the provider, but who they truly are.
How invested are you to keep getting to know those deeper layers of who your partner really is?
Let’s look at this more deeply.
We have what we call Antahkarana - which means inner instrument, inner being. ‘Antah’ means inside and ‘karana’ means that which functions and is made up of the mind, emotions and ego - the elements in which our consciousness looks out into the world - which means
The colour of your Antahkarna is different to your partner's - the rules of your mind, emotions and ego will be different to your partners. So part of our intention when wanting to have successful relationships is to understand your own inner instrument and all of its opportunities for growth and acceptance as you go through life but also your partners - we don’t see our partners for who they really are but according to our own inner instrument which will be filled with many helpful but also unhelpful impressions.
You can’t control your partner and how they see you or their world, but you do control yours and your greatest gift is to give time, space and energy to not only remember who you really are but transcending the parts of your inner instrument that don’t serve you or your relationships.
How have you been viewing your partner lately? Are you making the effort to invest in getting to know them in a way that maybe you have never before? If that is something you have not been doing, why? Are you stuck seeing your partner in a certain light that influences being able to connect with them from a place of acceptance and openness?
I encourage you to explore these questions from a place of humility, truth and sincere curiosity.